My Perfect Broken Mind

A brief introduction:

I've decided to read the Bible.

Why? Well, many reasons. I want to know as well as I can (without devoting my life to it) what I am against. True, I already know more about religion that most of the religious people I encounter, but I like asking believers if they have read the book they so strongly defend. They always say no. I want to be able to say to Christians, "Oh, you haven't read the Bible? Well, I have." (A common excuse seems to be that they tried to read it but couldn't understand it, so they gave up. First, I don't believe that for a second. They didn't seriously try to read it. If they did they would have. Second, what would your God say about that, about you giving up on reading his Word so easily? Believe me, he's sent people to hell for a lot less.) As I recently said, people saying they believe in the Bible when they haven't even read it is akin to me walking into a bookstore, randomly choosing a book out of the hundreds of thousands on the shelves, one that I have not read, and declaring, "Everything in this book is true!"

So I've started to read it. It's slow going. It's an awkward book to read, it's longer than it looks, and I'm taking notes as I'm going along, so it will definitely take me quite a while. Also, I like to read multiple books at the same time, so that will slow down my progress as well. After letting some people read a brief overview on what I've read so far, trying not to get too detailed, I realized that people really like it. So, while it is tedious and it slows down my progress even more, I will continue to post these updates here on the blog. Besides the fact that I like when people read and enjoy things I write, I like the idea that I’m helping people to understand what's actually in that book. It's quite different from what people think. That includes me. I know that hardly anyone has a desire to read the Bible, so I'm doing it for them. I'm not far in. I have a very long way to go. But at the same time there has been a lot worth writing about and I'll post the updates here. So if all goes well I should be posting updates pretty regularly. But I’m a fickle guy. I quit things and take them back up randomly all the time. And this endeavor is extremely time-consuming. So if I ever do get through the entire project I’ll be much older than I am right now.

I hope you enjoy the journey. I hope I do too.

Branch

Bible Update #1 - Noah the Gorilla Tamer

So God created the earth, animals, and people. Then he created it all over again in a different order and by different methods. That's right, God created the earth and everything that dwells upon it twice. (By the way, why did it take God so long to create the earth? He did hardly anything each day. I mean, he's God. You figure he could have just done it all instantly. What else has he got on the go? And why would the all-powerful Supreme Being need to take a day off to rest? God gets tired? Are you kidding me?) For some reason God made a talking serpent that convinced Eve to eat some fruit (not an apple, no one says anything about an apple) and she did and so did Adam. God was pissed when he found out. (You'd think he would have already known since he has the Divine Plan. You'd think God would never have to ask a single question, but he does all the time.) God showed up in the garden. They actually heard him walking. Adam and Eve hid. God couldn't find them (?!) and called out, "Why are you hiding?" and they answered him saying that they hid because they were naked and ashamed. God then asked, "Who told you that you were naked?" That's a quote. I love that question. Anyway, they blame the snake. Like ya would.

"And Adam's eyes were opened
and he saw that Eve was naked.
And it was gooooood..."

So God punished the snake, making him... live as a snake. Really. He tells him he's got to crawl on his belly forever. Kind of an odd punishment. The woman’s sentence was that she will have super-painful childbirth and have to obey her husband at all times. And man will have to work his entire life for very little, that's his punishment. And keep in mind it’s not “the” man, it’s just “man”, because God is punishing all of humanity for what these two did (eating a fruit). That’s your fair and just God. It might make sense to punish those two people, but why punish the billions of people that followed? They had nothing to do with it. I'd hate to be thrown in prison for a crime my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather committed. But, again, that's God.

The peopling of the earth has begun. Adam and Eve's children had incestual sex and had children. They must have. Oddly enough, it wasn't mentioned. Cain and Abel were Adam and Eve’s two sons. Cain was jealous of Abel because God was being a bit of a dick, playing favorites based on who gave him the best gifts, and apparently Abel was better at picking out presents. Again, I love that God asked Cain "Where's Abel?" Cain should have said, "Aren't you God? Shouldn't you know where everything and everyone is?" Instead Cain says, 'No idea, I’m not my brother’s keeper. Whatta ya want from me?' But he knows god damn well where Abel is because he just killed him.

Then there were some animal sacrifices to God, which he really liked the smell of. It's like barbeque to him. God is definitely not pro-vegetarian.

God then decided that all humans were really evil. (Didn't he make them that way?) So he figured he'd kill everyone on earth except for Noah and a few of his relatives. Animals were to die too, not sure why. God seems to have a habit of punishing people and things that had nothing to do with whatever it was that offended him in the first place. So rather than just snap his all-powerful fingers to make people not-so-evil, he flooded the earth and killed untold amounts of people and animals. Women, children, men, and animals—all drowned. To death. Nice, huh? Noah managed to get two to seven of EVERY species on earth—koalas, polar bears, moose, ferrets, guinea pigs, rain spiders, lions, snakes, gorillas—onto this boat that really wasn't all that big. By they way, I love picturing Noah, an elderly man, trying to coax a couple of gorillas to come aboard his boat. There's no mention of dinosaurs, but since the earth was still new at the time they had to be there. Oh well. According to Noah the worst part of the great flood was the very beginning when when the midgets started to drown. Okay, I made that up. Just about the midgets though. Everything else really happened.

The flood finally ended and Noah got drunk and one of his sons had sex with him. Then his other sons did too. This is actually up for debate, but it says they "saw his nakedness." Saw his/her nakedness does indeed seem to mean sex in Bible-speak. But who the hell knows what this story actually means. Noah was super pissed when he sobered up. I imagine he was pretty sore too.

God also killed all the people in the town of Sodom because it was full of homosexuals and silly sex-crazed folks. Lot, the lone guy that God liked, got a visit from two male angels. Real good lookin' fellers. As expected a crowd of gay men immediately showed up at Lot's house and demanded that Lot send the two strangers outside so they could have have their way with them. Lot tried to appease the sexed-up mob by offering them his two young virginal daughters. He told the crowd to rape them and abuse them as they wished, just as long as they didn't have sex with the guys. Funny how Lot is the only guy God likes in this place. He'll give away his daughters to be beaten and raped, sure, but at least he ain't no fag! God sounds like a woman-hating, homophobic, southern hick. Anyway, God flattened the entire town. Burned it and everyone in it. Crazy chaos. Lot and his daughters and his wife ran like goats on fire*. Lot's wife looked back at the burning city and God turned her into a pillar of salt. Why? No idea. He just didn't want anyone to look back. He said so. "Don't look back". Just like Bob Dylan said. Why did he turn her into salt, rather than just kill her? No idea.

Then Lot went and got drunk. I guess that's how they handled stressful situations back then. Not much has changed, I suppose. His daughters decided to have sex with him so they could have some kids and continue Lot's family line. So while Lot is wasted his daughters pretty much raped him, which is fine by God.

Oh yeah, by the way, God loves slavery. He wants people to have slaves, both male slaves and female slaves. He did say you shouldn't beat your slaves to death though. But if you do beat them senseless and they wake up a few days later? Perfect. He's cool with that. Just don't beat them to death.

So basically, if you don't like the idea of women being beaten and raped; if you don't like the idea of a wife having to obey her husband; if you don't like the idea of slavery; if you don't like the idea of incest; if you don't like the idea of sacrificing animals; if you don't like the idea of killing people because of their sexual orientation, then, I'm sorry to say, you are going against God's wishes.

Aren't you glad you got your baby baptized so he/she could be 'one' with this loving God?

*Here's a great video explaining the tale of the city of Sodom and its most famous resident Lot.

Onward and upward.

[Click here for Update #2]

My Perfect Broken God - The Book! Out Now!

My Perfect Broken Bible #1: Noah the Gorilla Tamer